I understand you.
You want to be in a relationship where you can reveal absolutely everything to your partner and still be completely loved. I want that too!
But you can also share too much and too quickly.
Before you raise an eyebrow, hear me out. You are not withholding information to manipulate or “seduce” them.
You just want to make sure the timing is right, because these kinds of things require a deeper connection to be able to share them in a meaningful (and enjoyable) way.
If you’re still dating or just celebrated your first month, here are the things you can probably save for later:
1) Your body count
Why would you even reveal how many people you’ve had sex with? Does it really matter?
According to this psychological study on death counts, sexually reserved individuals, regardless of gender, prefer a lower death count (ideally less than 5).
While the research noted that “most people don’t ask for it, don’t pay attention to it too early, or end relationships over it,” it can have a big impact on the first few months of dating if you have a lot of victims.
If you are a woman and you have a number of 30, for example, your partner may no longer see you as someone who is ‘nice’ and a ‘woman’s type’.
If you are a man, you might be judged as a ‘player’. If you score too low, they might worry that you are a prude.
It may even lead them to ask themselves, “Did I make the right choice?”
Sure, they might not break up with you, but if they’re prudish or insecure, they might dwell on it, and that could have a huge impact on your new relationship.
This is annoying, because you are already being judged before you have had the chance to prove that their judgment of you is unfounded.
Always remember: You never have to reveal the number of victims!
It’s a very personal issue. If your partner, especially a new one, keeps asking for answers and then becomes judgmental when you tell them, you need to assess whether or not they’re really worth your time.
2) Family drama
“My mother is an alcoholic and my father has five other wives.”
“My sister always steals money from me. I hate that bitch!”
“I grew up in a very violent home and I need someone who can make me feel safe.”
While all of these things need to be discussed at some point, it certainly doesn’t happen in the first few months of being together.
According to social worker Patricia Shelly et al., retraumatization is a conscious or unconscious remembering of a past trauma, resulting in a reliving of the original traumatic event.
And sharing someone’s trauma can certainly trigger it. After all, we had to remember our experiences in order to share them with others.
If you do this every time you go out with someone, you are unnecessarily triggering your own PTSD.
Plus, it can overwhelm their dates and new partners.
Always remember: not everyone is able to cope with trauma.
Unless you realize that you can both handle it, telling your story is like dropping a bomb. Unless you are both “bomb experts,” you could explode.
3) How much you earn
Money is important and can have several consequences for a relationship.
It has to do with shame, guilt, worry and power, among other things.
Yes, it is important to know as early as possible whether you are financially compatible. According to this study, 38% of couples indicate that financial problems are the main reason for a divorce.
But talking about it too early can be awkward for both of you.
If one of you earns a lot more than the other, it can affect the dynamics of your relationship.
It can also give the impression that you are too focused on money matters, or worse, that you are a superficial gold digger.
If it’s so important, when should you talk about it?
Psychologist Max Alberhansky advises talking about money within the first six months of a relationship.
If you notice that your partner is not yet willing to talk about it comfortably, you still have five or six months to do so.
And make sure it’s even more general in the sixth month, like:
“What is your most expensive purchase?”
“Are you satisfied with your career?”
Or: “Do you think it’s okay for people to borrow money from you?”
Talking about specific numbers — “How much do you make?” “How much do you save?” — is uncomfortable for a reason. It makes others feel judged, especially if they make significantly less than the other person.
Save that for later, when you both feel more comfortable.
What is important now is that you get a general idea. Well… as long as you don’t pay for everything.
Always remember: more important than what a person earns (and that can change at any moment) are his financial principles and habits.
Do they earn a lot, but spend a lot more and have no savings? Or do they have a reasonable income, but manage their budget and invest well? These things are more important.
4) Very specific details about your exes
Some people just don’t like hearing about your past relationships, period.
Especially if you have been with your ex for a long time, or if you have many more exes than before.
Why ruin what you have now by making them feel a little insecure?
These details are not essential to your current relationship.
Don’t tell them you’re about to get married, that you wrote them a song or a novella… or that they’re a successful entrepreneur making millions before they’re 30.
The problem is that your relationship is still too young and fragile.
What if they are insecure and feel like you are making them compete with your ex?
According to author and psychologist Michaela Thomas, it’s all about finding the right balance: if you don’t share anything at all, it sounds suspicious, too much, and feels overwhelming.
While you may have reasons to talk about your exes, talking too much, too soon, can do more harm than good.
Always remember: how much you choose to share depends on how safe you feel.
You should also look at your partner’s capabilities. If your partner can’t handle ex-topics or asks too much, try to be curious about the reason.
If they ask for too much, they may want to make sure your relationship doesn’t end the same way.
And if they avoid talking about it, it could be that they still feel too insecure in the relationship to talk about your exes.
5) Your ideal relationship timeline
“I want to get married within a year and have children right away.”
While it’s great to be intentional and honest while dating, it can be overwhelming for your partner if you say this during the honeymoon phase.
This can make them anxious because they ask themselves, “Can I really do it? What if I can’t give them a child? What if I still don’t know what I want?”
It is too early!
Yes, tell them you want to get married someday and have kids someday (if that’s what you want), but if you give them very specific deadlines, that won’t stop anyone.
If you talk about your goals too early, you may come across as a control freak. You are too obsessed with the other person’s timeline and therefore not paying attention to the other person’s needs.
Relationship goals are something a couple works on together, day after day.
You can’t just set your own goals and expect your partner to follow suit.
Research shows that “achieving daily goals” between partners who support each other is much more important than setting immediate goals too early in the relationship.
So instead of being too rigid, it’s better to let things grow slowly.
Always remember: cherish it, don’t pressure it.
There are so many external stressors that come with being in a relationship, and then when you are faced with this pressure from your partner at the time you enter into the relationship, it can be very tiring to deal with.
Final thoughts
While following these psychology-based guidelines has been shown to help, people are as unique as snowflakes.
So if you find yourself stressed because you accidentally said you want to get married in two years and the guy freaks out, don’t worry.
Someone who truly loves you will love you no matter what or when you tell them.
You slept with 40 people? They still love you. You’re bisexual. They still love you.
Do you make so much more money? Or so much less than you, they still love you.
Here’s my real opinion: Take it slow, but not too slow. And if you reveal something “too early” and they run away, well… at least you know who they really are.
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